Positive thinking

Easter is just behind us and so is Passover and for most of us the next holiday season is far in the distance. Whenever the holiday season comes, there is joy in the air. Be it Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Hanuka, Passover or any religion. Your friends are all having dinner with their spouses at their relatives and you are going to have dinner with your relations, but on your own. You have no one. You dread going to the relations because you get the inevitable question, “When are you going to get married?” I was invited to cousins and they had quite a few guests and of course I got the usual question, “How is it that someone as classy as you, has no one?” Some of them add, “Are all the unattached women nuts?” and others add “Are you gay?” Of course that is a silly question as there are many gay men who have someone. I am used to these questions of course and just smile at them grasping for a cynical comeback that will not get me kicked out and uninvitable to the next occasion where I may be asked the same question. This is a loop of course.

This week someone turned to me and said “When you are single, all you see are happy couples. The longer you are single, the more you think there is something wrong with you.” I have a different thought on that and discussed it in my blog on perspective. I will discuss this issue more now.

You go on dates and are unsuccessful, never getting further than the first date. You may even go on one of the dates described in my book and feel like yelling “Kill Me Now!” You may even call a friend and they try to console you with the regular clichés of “There are plenty of fish in the sea!” What sea? No sea that you are near. Maybe they are referring to the Sea of Tranquility and you want to take the next Shuttle.

“What is wrong with me? Why can I not get a date? Why do I not get a second date?” Does this go through your mind?

STOP that right now. Stop feeling like a victim! Of course you are entitled to feel however you want to, but will it get you anywhere? A favorite line I have comes from the 2009 Karate Kid movie starring Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan says, “When life knocks you down, you can choose whether to get back up on not.” It is a choice you make.

When my girlfriend, who I believed was my soulmate, turned round to me and said to me, “My parents have vetoed our relationship.” I was devastated. You search for someone for decades and you find her and despite that you are not together. What are the odds? I made a choice to get back up. To continue the search; to boldly go where everyone has gone before. So can you and so should you!

Much has been said about the power of positive thinking and I have never believed in it. However think about it for a moment. You are already thinking that there is something wrong with you, so maybe you want to change something? Maybe you want to lose weight? Have a nose job? Breast implants if you are female? Go to a gym and pump up if you are a male or whatever. But the problem still remains. You are still you. It is the “you” that you have to treat. You need to change your own perceptions. Here is where the power of positive thinking helps you.

If you listen to songs, many have powerful messages for you. There is a Spandau Ballet song called Gold: “Always believe in your soul you’ve got the power to know you’re indestructible always believe in…”

This is a very positive statement. You need to believe in yourself! That is positive thinking. Gloria Gaynor has similar words in her song “I will survive”. She said: “I grew strong I learned how to carry on”

A recent song by the Pussy Cat Dolls had similar lyrics. There is also a similar message in the song, Survivor by Destiny’s Child:

“I’m a survivor I’m not goin’ give up I’m not goin’ stop I’m goin’ work harder I’m a survivor I’m goin’na make it I will survive Keep on survivin’”

You really have the power to change yourself. You need to believe in yourself. You need to have self-confidence. When you believe in yourself, a lot will fall in place. Love yourself first! You need to first have a relationship with yourself. Not finding a mate or a date is not about the way you look, but more about how you perceive yourself.

What should you do? There is so much on the internet about what to do; some that you know are total nonsense. If you do not like something physical about yourself, then do something about it. Looking inwards is a bigger issue. I would suggest things here but I do not want anyone to get the wrong idea. Realize though that a professional can guide you here, meaning a therapist. You can start off by turning to your friends. Ask them to list the things that they like about you and the things that they do not like about you. See if there is common ground. Ask them why they think you are not having luck on the dating field.

You may want to consider a dating coach. What is a dating coach? Someone to help you with the ritual. Look at the Will Smith movie “Hitch” to get an idea of what a coach does. You can laugh at the idea if you want, but if I were to ask you how much is 10 multiplied by 10. You would immediately say 100. You are confident in that. Why? Simply because you have done it over and over again. That builds your confidence. So give it a try.

You need to give yourself a chance to be you!

Note: A version of this article was published here.