You know you are in a rut when the love of your life is your sister’s gorgeous dog and your 10 year old niece turns round to you and says “Why don’t you marry the dog?” I explained to her that I am the dog’s uncle and so I cannot marry my niece. If I am the dog’s uncle, does that make me a dog as well? Or a wolf? But I am a Bigfoot!

We have all been in relationships, some short, some longer and we all hear women saying things that as men, we take it literally. “Mistake, big mistake,” as Julia Roberts would have said. Personally I do not understand women and I get a headache while over-thinking what she meant when she utters a single word. I touched on this before in a previous blog, but someone sat me down and pointed me to an email that she had received and said study that! Nine simple rules. Some of these rules were covered by Whoopi in the image. Men take heed. These are things women say:

1. Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Nothing - This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. Run!!!
3. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It! If you try it, your goose is cooked. Make sure that the couch is comfortable for you to sleep on for a while.
4. Whatever - Is a woman’s way of saying F*** YOU!
5. That’s Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Perhaps you should sleep at a friend’s house until she has calmed down. Not mine. Your wife scares me. All I need is for her to take out her wrath on me. I am doomed.
6. Five Minutes - If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to do something you want to do such as watch a game, before helping around the house.
7. Loud Sigh - This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. Remember what the word “Nothing” means. Get out while you are alive.
8. Thanks - A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.  A friend said that this is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’, that will bring on a ‘whatever’.
9. Don’t worry about it, I got it – Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ The woman will probably answer with a “Nothing” and you now know what that means.

Thank you to my friend who pointed this out to me. Of course if I married my sister’s dog I could keep her muzzled. Yeah right. Anyone who has a dog knows that dogs rule the home, until a cat comes along.

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield

Tomorrow is my birthday and I have decided that I am throwing myself a surprise birthday party. I definitely will be surprised if no one arrives as I have not yet told myself who I am inviting. Hmmmm, maybe I will go to a bar and invite one of the beautiful girls there to join my party of one? I can honestly say that after the third drink, I am the most handsome guy in town or that is what the mirror tells me.

What is Game Theory and why do I care and what has it got to do with dating? Good questions. Game Theory sounds like something that computer nerds would spend hours developing, but it isn’t. It does not have much to do with games in the sense that we think, such as huddled over your keyboard. It is all about social situations and strategic decision making. In other words strategy! This leads me to the discussion of meeting girls, what can be more of a social situation than that.

You walk into a bar and you see a stunning redhead at the bar, sitting next to a plain looking brunette. You want to chat to the redhead, of course. Well ok, I do. But what about you?

So this is what goes through your mind: “She is out of my league. If I go up to her, she will laugh me away. If I go up to her friend, I will have more of a chance, and maybe get a phone number.” OK, fair enough and logical correct? Yes, I agree with me.

“The redhead gets hit on all the time. She will not be interested in me. The plain looking woman probably does not get hit on often, so I have more of a chance.” Same line of thought. If you hit on the plain looking woman, it may make the redhead jealous or uncomfortable. This may work to your advantage. You can date them both. Should you always opt for the least attractive woman to optimize your chances, since she probably rarely gets any attention at all when she goes out with her girlfriends?

Wait a minute, “What are other people thinking now? Do they also think that they will have more of a chance with the plain woman?” Competition! “Yes, but if everyone is going to hit on the plain woman, then no one will hit on the stunner. So maybe I will hit on the stunner while others hit on her friend.” A strategy is set and that is how game theory works. Perhaps you are  over-thinking things? I never do!

So you march over to the redhead and someone steps in front of you and corners her friend. Cool. You start talking to the redhead. You are in! Your theory worked. You are a master at game theory.

Nope, you idiot, they are a couple! Try game theory elsewhere, you didn’t take that variable into account. Back to the drawing board.

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield

I was told by a good friend that the best time to make the first call to a prospective date is after a workout. After a good workout, your endorphins are flowing and you are on a non-drug induced high. How good is that? Now that you are in the feel good state, you can make that call to the awaiting lady. Unless she tells you that it is not a good time. Oops!

How about taking it up a notch and dating after sport! A cool divorcee, hindsightisprettyfunny, wrote a blog about someone who pitched up to the second date, dressed in a sweatsuit. I do not think that is the best attire for a date, or as the lady said “Unless you’re doing some activity that necessitates different clothing”.  How any guy let this lovely lassie go, is a mystery to me. Maybe he is kicking himself.

I decided to try this myself. My prospective date was accommodating and suggested we meet in the mall where my gym was. I took my dating change of clothing to the gym with me  so that I could change after my shower and shave. Nothing like going on a date freshly showered and groomed and smelling like flowers. Well, not flowers but some Hugo Boss aftershave and deodorant. Have to make an impression!

There I was having my workout and enjoying myself and then I had time left and decided to go for a sauna. Great idea! NOT. In Julia Robert’s words “Mistake, a big mistake”.

The strenuous workout with the addition of the sauna invoked sweating, daaaah. But the sweating continued after the shower.  This is the sign of a good workout! But I have a date! My face is all flushed from the workout and I am sweating.

No time to hop into the shower a second time. What is worse, arriving 10 minutes late or sweating. Ewwww!

I will not do that again! I can just imagine my date getting home and writing a blog about a Bigfoot that she dated who arrived at the date all red-faced and sweating as if he had run a marathon.  Again ewwwww!

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield

The love of my life, the one who always breaks my heart, you know the blond bombshell! Whenever I go to  visit her, she runs towards me, her short blond hair glistening in the sun. She leaps into my arms and lavishes me with kisses. Her tail wagging non-stop. Such love.

Last night, I came home from work late and in my garden were two gorgeous golden retrievers brought there by two hotties, one in military uniform, the other in skimpy shorts. OK, they are both much too young for me, so I concentrated on the two retrievers who were concentrating on retrieving sticks that  I was throwing. They were so playful and it gave me a chance to talk to the two hotties. Not chat them up, of course, much too young for me. Am I protesting too much? So cute they were. The retrievers, of course.

I walked with them for a while and we went to a park and I noticed quite a few dogs frolicking around while their owners chatted. All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder and a lightening bolt and an idea hit me. A method of attracting females. You get a cute puppy, the kind that anyone in their right mind would want to stop and pat and you walk into the park. Any cute girl would just stop next to you and fondle (the dog) while asking you the usual questions, “How old is he?” “What is his name?” That is your cue. You can ask her what her name is and other details. Maybe she wants to walk your dog? Hmmmm

I have now come up with a new startup. I am going to get myself 5 of the cutest puppies I can find and resign from my day job. I will call my business “Cutie4u“. I will hire out these puppies for a few hours at a time to males or females and let them walk the puppies in the park. Saves me having to walk all five cuties at the same time. Resistence is Futile. Who can resist the smile of a puppy?

Yes, a business plan is in action. I think I will miss the puppies, even if it is a few hours. What will my sister’s dog have to say about this? Maybe I should use my sister’s dog to test out my theory? Maybe I should think this out again?

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield

You all know about my publishing company iUniverse? Well because I happened to open my mouth to complain they removed me from their facebook company page. I have no problem with that. My problem is that they are not paying me my royalties and emails are no longer being answered.

I gave them evidence of Kindle sales and they turned round to me and said that there were no Kindle sales. I approached Amazon on this issue and they told me to approach iUniverse. A catch-22 situation. I made a huge mistake by going with iUniverse in the first place, but in life you live and learn.

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield

It is no secret anymore and it is time for me to come out and say it, “My name is Lawrence and I am an author!” My book is all about my humorous escapes or narrow escapes. You may ask, “who cares”, well frankly, I do. And if you like to laugh, so should you.

Have I given up on dating? No, despite various disappointments recently, I continue the quest to boldly go where others have gone before in search of the Holy Grail. OK, not for the holy grail but just for a special someone, my ONE.

At my age, as at any age, women either fall under the divorcee or the single category. Yes, there are others but…

I have met many divorcees on social media and these women seem pretty cool and looking at their profiles you find out that they are young, late 20s, early 30s etc. Why are these women divorced at such a young age? They are funny, smart, sexy etc, so why would any man in his right mind let them go? Or are they sane? I have not met these women, so I do not know whether their STBXH (which apparently stands for Soon to Be Ex-Husband) is insane or the smartest person alive? I hear many stories like, “My best friend came home one day and said we are not compatible anymore.” WTF!

You remember what happened when Mickey got divorced?

My best friend, you know him as Ed, says “I never knew what happiness was until I got married, and now I miss it”. I asked Ed if he ever thought of divorce and he said, “Divorce, never. Suicide, daily!”

Groucho Marx said, “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” That is obviously the reason I have never been divorced. Robin William’s will say “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

Will these women be able to fully trust men again? Have the men who abandoned them, left them scarred for life? I hope not, because these are the women who I am dating. Well, not late twenties or even early thirties, I am referring to dating women divorcees in general. Some of these women are the happiest people I know. One said to me that she was so happy to get rid of that schmuck.

I do not know about men divorcees as I do not intend to ever date one. There is a fair comedy called “The Exes”, all about three divorced males living together, some of them still in love with their exes. A friend of mine, Tony, always makes a joke. He quips,”My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any.”

I do not know how some one adjusts after this. I do not want to wake up one night with a woman’s hands around my throat because she was angry at her ex. I am not sure I will be able to breathe. I guess that is the intent behind strangulation.

Despite that, I am willing to let them into my life and see for myself. “Hear yee, hear yee. Come hither to my open arms and let me help you trust men again! Start with me.” I will gladly take one of those women who some guy in a moment of insanity said “Let us get a divorce.” Their loss is my gain. Hopefully.

But wait a moment, maybe those of us who have reached a ripe old age of over 40 and are still single, are also FUBAR? Are we also somehow screwed up? I am not, of course, I am totally sane. It is everyone else who is nuts and me, myself and I totally agree with me.

“The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them.” ~ Kelly Ellzey. Believe in that, as I will take a chance on you in the hope that I will not find your hands at my throat. Ladies, I am free for dinner tonight. A glass of chilled white wine ? I promise to shower before hand. Maybe I should put a note in my will stating that should I die by strangulation, my debts will not be paid.

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield

Easter is just behind us and so is Passover and for most of us the next holiday season is far in the distance. Whenever the holiday season comes, there is joy in the air. Be it Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Hanuka, Passover or any religion. Your friends are all having dinner with their spouses at their relatives and you are going to have dinner with your relations, but on your own. You have no one. You dread going to the relations because you get the inevitable question, “When are you going to get married?” I was invited to cousins and they had quite a few guests and of course I got the usual question, “How is it that someone as classy as you, has no one?” Some of them add, “Are all the unattached women nuts?” and others add “Are you gay?” Of course that is a silly question as there are many gay men who have someone. I am used to these questions of course and just smile at them grasping for a cynical comeback that will not get me kicked out and uninvitable to the next occasion where I may be asked the same question. This is a loop of course.

This week someone turned to me and said “When you are single, all you see are happy couples. The longer you are single, the more you think there is something wrong with you.” I have a different thought on that and discussed it in my blog on perspective. I will discuss this issue more now.

You go on dates and are unsuccessful, never getting further than the first date. You may even go on one of the dates described in my book and feel like yelling “Kill Me Now!” You may even call a friend and they try to console you with the regular clichés of “There are plenty of fish in the sea!” What sea? No sea that you are near. Maybe they are referring to the Sea of Tranquility and you want to take the next Shuttle.

“What is wrong with me? Why can I not get a date? Why do I not get a second date?” Does this go through your mind?

STOP that right now. Stop feeling like a victim! Of course you are entitled to feel however you want to, but will it get you anywhere? A favorite line I have comes from the 2009 Karate Kid movie starring Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan says, “When life knocks you down, you can choose whether to get back up on not.” It is a choice you make.

When my girlfriend, who I believed was my soulmate, turned round to me and said to me, “My parents have vetoed our relationship.” I was devastated. You search for someone for decades and you find her and despite that you are not together. What are the odds? I made a choice to get back up. To continue the search; to boldly go where everyone has gone before. So can you and so should you!

Much has been said about the power of positive thinking and I have never believed in it. However think about it for a moment. You are already thinking that there is something wrong with you, so maybe you want to change something? Maybe you want to lose weight? Have a nose job? Breast implants if you are female? Go to a gym and pump up if you are a male or whatever. But the problem still remains. You are still you. It is the “you” that you have to treat. You need to change your own perceptions. Here is where the power of positive thinking helps you.

If you listen to songs, many have powerful messages for you. There is a Spandau Ballet song called Gold: “Always believe in your soul you’ve got the power to know you’re indestructible always believe in…”

This is a very positive statement. You need to believe in yourself! That is positive thinking. Gloria Gaynor has similar words in her song “I will survive”. She said: “I grew strong I learned how to carry on”

A recent song by the Pussy Cat Dolls had similar lyrics. There is also a similar message in the song, Survivor by Destiny’s Child:

“I’m a survivor I’m not goin’ give up I’m not goin’ stop I’m goin’ work harder I’m a survivor I’m goin’na make it I will survive Keep on survivin’”

You really have the power to change yourself. You need to believe in yourself. You need to have self-confidence. When you believe in yourself, a lot will fall in place. Love yourself first! You need to first have a relationship with yourself. Not finding a mate or a date is not about the way you look, but more about how you perceive yourself.

What should you do? There is so much on the internet about what to do; some that you know are total nonsense. If you do not like something physical about yourself, then do something about it. Looking inwards is a bigger issue. I would suggest things here but I do not want anyone to get the wrong idea. Realize though that a professional can guide you here, meaning a therapist. You can start off by turning to your friends. Ask them to list the things that they like about you and the things that they do not like about you. See if there is common ground. Ask them why they think you are not having luck on the dating field.

You may want to consider a dating coach. What is a dating coach? Someone to help you with the ritual. Look at the Will Smith movie “Hitch” to get an idea of what a coach does. You can laugh at the idea if you want, but if I were to ask you how much is 10 multiplied by 10. You would immediately say 100. You are confident in that. Why? Simply because you have done it over and over again. That builds your confidence. So give it a try.

You need to give yourself a chance to be you!

Note: A version of this article was published here.

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield

My previous post touched on the dating profile.  I have spoken about your profile before,  and I am adding that post here. Do not consider me an expert. I have only written one book.

The number of dating sites out there are growing. I think as we breathe another one is created, all willing to take your money. You can do a scan and look for a free site, but often they are not always free. You are free to add your profile, but can you send a message to someone? Can you receive a message? I regularly use jdate.  Oops, I just got a message from someone on the site. I will get back to her after I finish this blog. I hope it is a her and not a him. I do not find it that flattering when a “him” approaches me, not even if he “says” he is pushing his sister. Yeah right.

Whatever you decide, whether you take match.com, eharmony.com, or any of the others, you still have to start with an online profile. Oops. What do you do? Writing a good online dating profile is not an easy task. You are faced with a box and you have to write about yourself.  There must be an art to it! The woman has to read whatever you say and then see whether it is worth looking on. I suspect some people think that they put a few words together and they will get approached. Far from it.

Do I know what I am doing? No! But I have one important tip, do not make up nonsense, what I refer to as bovinic excrement:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tgX3s1yudY

Many people play around with their profiles, very often  someone else writes it for them. This is a scene from a “comedy” named “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” when Charlie’s friends want to help him setup his profile on match.com:

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia	Mondays 9pm / 8c
Charlie’s Match.com Profile
www.comedycentral.com
Comedy Central Funny Videos Funny TV Shows

Be honest, friends! Before you embark on the dating world, you need to feel good about yourself. Check out this post by a colleague of mine, Kelly. Do not tell her that I linked to her post, she may be flattered by it. She was a guest blogger of mine once.

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield

 For the past three weeks I have been dating someone. Before you all jump up in the air and yellHallelujah, it is about time, I can say that it was only three dates.  She just seems to disappear on me. First two dates were good and then the third date only ten days later. Despite my efforts to contact her, nada. When I do manage to catch her on the phone, she is doing something and will talk to me later. So logic dictates that she is not really interested for whatever reason. Yes I know it takes me a while to understand these things. Somehow I do not get wiser with age. Actually that is  a strange thought. To have the wisdom to say that I do not get wiser with age actually shows that I have got wiser.

So back to the drawing board and to online dating services, such as jdate.

There are three things that strike me about a person’s profile:

• The picture – I wrote about this in my book, “Kill Me Now!” This is your calling card. It is what is going to make people stop and look at you. If you really want a person to stop and look, this has to be excellent, worth even forking out money to have it done professionally. FYI, adding a flower to your hair does not make you look more beautiful. No one is going to date the flower. The picture is also the most deceiving. When was it taken? I looked at a post of a woman and her pictures were from six years ago. How much has she changed since then? Is she camera-shy because she has changed so much? I saw a picture of a girl and she was with another girl. Which one will I be dating? Or are they Siamese twins? Or is it an all or nothing situation? How about a picture when you are in the far distance. Oo-la-la, so sexy. Yeah right.
• The profile name – I never give this any thought, but some crack me up: INeedAManNow or IWantABabyNow or NoMoreOneNightStands
• The text – You can see a lot of humor here such as “If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.” One of my favorites. Or the woman who says that she is not looking for anyone who plays the games and then ends of with “Good luck to us all. Let the games begin!”  Hmmm.

Until next time I will leave you with this thought:

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield

It is now right before we all embark on our Easter or Passover weekends. I think that there is a conspiracy afoot that forces some people to eat cardboard for a week and others to eat hot-cross buns. I know what I would prefer eating but I think that they are unavailable in this season. My good friend Ed had threatened to bring me a chocolate bunny from his home so far away, but I think he has forgotten all about me this vacation. What do you think? Or maybe he will pop in and say “Surprise!” Better not, he may give me a heart attack.

Despite all the laughter of the last few months, this holiday period will not be easy as it will be the first one without my mother. Read here. Nonetheless, life goes forward. Tony told me this story of a lady who may fit into the CLS characteristic. Here is the story:

Tony has a first date with a woman. He would not tell me her name so we can call her Madam X.  He did tell me that she was hottttttt! I hope for him that he has air-conditioning.

On the date, they chatted for about 30 minutes and he finds out that she is a school teacher. Madam X turned to him seductively and tells him that she wants this date to be special and unforgettable. Oh man, Tony is a lucky guy! Maybe I will replace him?

Madam X asks him if he didn’t mind if she blindfolded him so that she can take him to a special place. Wow, kinky. Tony, who is going to drive your car? I do not know about you, but I am uneasy now. Tony looked at Miss Hotness up and down and agreed.

Madam X is a teacher in English Literature and had come prepared with a blindfold. She blindfolds him and they drive for a while and she was discussing a certain poet.

Tony is enjoying her perfume while she is droning on and on and soon they come to a stop. She leads him out of the car and all of a sudden she sat him on a hard cold platform. She spoke to him seductively and said, “You can take the blindfold off now.”

Tony freaked out. He was sitting on a grave. The poet’s grave, where Madam X proceeded to give him a history lesson all about the poet! All that was missing was for Madam X to take out her Vampire teeth. Where is cute Buffy when you need her?

Tony my man, I do not need her telephone number.

Kill Me Now! - A Middle Aged Man’s Maneuvers through the Frontline of the Dating Battlefield